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July 22, 2010

(Trust Me)

God, is it true that You’re thinking of me at this moment?
God, is it true that You hear every prayer that I pray?
God, is it true every time my heart beats, You know it?
Well, if it’s all true
Then that must be You
I hear saying “Trust me.”

Several years ago, when I was pregnant with J, I had a feeling. I wanted to have three kids, but I had a feeling that I’d be pregnant four times. I wasn’t sure how exactly that would happen, and I certainly didn’t want that to mean miscarriage or stillbirth or something happening to one of my older children. But I had a feeling about it.

When I got a positive pregnancy test this month, I was elated. I’ve wanted to be pregnant so much recently. The baby would be due in March, just like both of my other daughters. I’d have a baby just months after my sister, something that we both wanted. It just seemed perfect.

But at the same time, something didn’t seem right. The lines of the pregnancy tests were light. Too light. I asked the doctor for a blood test, and the results came back “borderline.” Borderline pregnant? Was that even possible? Sure enough, as time went on it became obvious that it was a chemical pregnancy, meaning that the fertilized egg stopped developing before it could even be visible on an ultrasound.

I was crushed. I knew that God was in control, but it sure didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want to wait longer to get pregnant. I didn’t want to go through the pain of having a miscarriage. I couldn’t see how the timing was all going to work out for a different month, especially with my husband’s upcoming work travel schedule.

God, is it true, out of all thing that You’re doing on this planet
Could it really be true that You’ve counted the hairs on my head?
God, is it true every day of my life You have planned it?
Well, if it’s all true
Then that must be you
I hear saying “Trust me.”

But as I prayed, I heard God say over and over, “Trust me.” I felt him speak deeply into my soul, reminding me that His plans are good. That even though I thought this was what I wanted, He had something better for me. That even though I felt sad and couldn’t see the future or when I’d get another baby, He could.

I still can’t see it. I still feel incomplete and want to have another baby. I still don’t know when that will be. But I’ll wait. I’ll wait and trust Him, because I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that His plans are perfect. Even when I don’t feel it. I believe that He will give me the desires of my heart, because He loves me. That doesn’t mean it will always look like what I thought, or be the way I thought it would be. But I trust that He will take care of me. And I will thank Him for the opportunity for getting to know Him a little better through this. I’m not sad any longer, just waiting for His provision.

God, is it true that Your love for us is never ending?
Could it really be true that You’d die for letting us go?
God, is it true that not even death can separate us?
Well if it’s all true
Then what can I do
But put all my hope and all my trust in You?
Well I know it’s true.
And I know it’s You
I hear saying “Trust me.”

(Song lyrics are “God Is It True” by Steven Curtis Chapman.)

8 Comments Posted in Faith
May 6, 2010

Just a moment

Sometimes you have hard days or hard weeks or hard months. You survive and move on, because life moves on.

But sometimes there are hard moments. Moments where it’s all you can do to make it to the next moment. You can’t even think beyond this moment to the next, because you haven’t conquered this one yet.

But when you DO conquer it…when you don’t have that drink, don’t give in to the panic attack, don’t say the harsh words on your tongue, don’t give in to anger or temptation, don’t let yourself be overcome by fear or worry or doubt…whatever it is…when you overcome the moments, it is worth the struggle. No one will know how you have struggled. You will have nothing to show for it. But you will have overcome. When the next moments of struggle come, hopefully it will be a little easier.

Jesus says that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us, that we are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus. I want to live all of my days, all of my moments, in the strength of Jesus Christ. I know I can overcome all of my shortcomings with His help.

Perhaps I can even embrace the moments where I have to struggle not to sin, knowing that God is proving himself faithful to me once again.

No Comments Posted in Faith
October 20, 2009

Hungry for truth

She was hungry.

We all were, in fact. Dinner was late last night, and I was hurrying to get it on the table. When I finally set a plate down in front of J, she could barely contain her excitement.

“That’s MY plate!” she exclaimed.

I continued bustling around the kitchen, plopping the bowl of rice on the table, filling water glasses, retrieving the soy sauce from the refrigerator. I barely noticed J clutching her plate and waiting.

When everything was finally ready, Tom spooned some rice onto J’s plate. I took the plate from him and carried it back into the kitchen to load it up with chicken and stir fried vegetables.

“I want my plate!” she wailed.

I was busy finding some extra pieces of chicken for her, because I knew she was especially like that. “Sometimes Mommy has to take something away so I can give you something even better!” I said.

I paused, the significance of my words sinking into my heart.

“You know,” I continued, “Sometimes God does that, too. He takes away something that we think we really want because He wants to give us something that’s even better. We just have to trust Him and be patient to wait a little bit longer.”

She was more interested in the plate of food I was handing her than what I was saying, but it had an impact on me. Sometimes I put up a fight because God doesn’t give me what I want right away. I want to be the kind of person who trusts that He knows what is best, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the exact moment.

No Comments Posted in Faith
September 17, 2009

Life Lessons

Things I have learned in the past two weeks:

• I am very bad at drafting fantasy football teams. Often, the guys I was going to pick are drafted one or two spots ahead of me, and then I completely panic. This results in a very bad team for me.

• I am also very bad at designing t-shirt graphics.

• If I sit around all day on Sunday (watching football) and don’t go grocery shopping for the week, I probably won’t until the next Sunday. Which means that we will run out of food halfway through the week.

• You should always check to make sure your toddler isn’t standing too close to the car door before opening it, lest you whack them in the head. (Oops.)

• God knows us so well that He is already at work answering our prayers, sometimes years before we even pray them.

• One of the ways that you will know if you are doing God’s will is if you feel an incredible peace about your decisions.

• My husband may not be an earth-shattering preacher or evangelist, but he is a rock that the church is/will be built upon. I am proud to be married to him.

3 Comments Posted in Faith, Football
September 14, 2009

To God be the Glory

I’ve been praying a lot lately. About being a mom, starting a freelance design business, our minivan. A few weeks ago when I was praying, God brought this song into my head. How it has ministered to me! Every victory I have is through Him alone. In everything, let it be said of me that my source of strength and hope and faith and grace is Him.

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone do I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
And now I seek no greater honor in just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord

(Click the arrow to play the song, “In Christ Alone,” sung by Brian Littrell.)

[audio:http://www.babythunder.net/audio/InChristAlone.mp3]

1 Comment Posted in Faith
September 2, 2009

Love That Never Ends

Do you have secrets?

I do.

Maybe not a lot, and they’re probably not what you would consider scandalous, but I wouldn’t want to tell people just the same. There are many things I am ashamed of or wish I could do over.

I’ve been listening to “Times” by Tenth Avenue North on repeat these days, because God is speaking to me through it. He is reminding me that He loves me just the same when I do the wrong thing or when I do the right thing. He’s never done forgiving. He loves me when I’m stubborn and hard-headed AND when I yield to Him. Loves me when I hate Him and when I love Him. Loves me when I trust Him and when I doubt.

Just as there was nothing I did to get Him to love me in the first place, there is nothing I can do that will make Him stop.

Some days, I need to hear that.

If you do, too, click on the arrow to listen to this song and let Him remind you how much He loves you.

[audio:http://www.babythunder.net/audio/Times.mp3]

1 Comment Posted in Faith
August 15, 2009

Never give up

You’d think that after years of being a Christian and seeing God be faithful time and time again, I would always trust and never doubt. But I don’t.

A year ago, Toby preached a sermon at church about prayer. He said, “Pray always. Never give up.” He asked us to commit to praying for something that seemed impossible and to not give up. Tom and I decided to pray for the money to buy a minivan in cash – by the time we had our baby. And although God did provide a bunch of money through Tom working a lot of overtime hours, we didn’t have enough by our initial time goal.

I was disappointed.

But we realized that we didn’t NEED the van yet, so we kept saving. Then summer came, and our non-essential saving money turned into tree removal in our front yard (after a particularly strong thunderstorm knocked some of our trees over), a swingset for the kids (which we JUST set up and haven’t even used much), a washing machine repair and new dehumidifier (grr), and re-staining our deck.

When we sat down and decided to use our “extra” monthly money on these things, we both decided that it was the right thing to do. And I’m glad we did – that is, until I think about how our minivan savings hasn’t increased at all in the last few months. Then, when I do think about it, I don’t feel glad. I feel worried and angry. Angry that our money is getting sucked into these stupid things. Angry that I have to feel guilty spending money because we’re “supposed” to be saving it. Angry that we work hard for our money and have to give it to other people.

If I’m being honest, I have to say that I don’t trust God with this. I don’t believe that He will provide the money for us to get a nice minivan. I am afraid that we’ll end up with a rusty, horribly broken down van that I hate because that’s all we can afford. I want to have nice things and be blessed. But I am afraid that He doesn’t want to bless me. I’m not doing what Toby said; instead of “praying always, never giving up,” I’m praying sometimes and giving up when it seems hard.

In my heart, I know that we won’t end up with a crappy van, and I’m glad that we have money to give to others. I want to bless people who don’t have as much as we do. And I know that God will provide the things that we NEED, and anything else is just icing on the cake. God says in Matthew 6, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?”

Lord, help me not just to remember that, but to live it out. Help me to pray always and never give up, even when I think You aren’t listening.

No Comments Posted in Faith
August 11, 2009

Be joyful always

For a long time, I wasn’t sure that J knew the word “yes.” Everything was “no.” No put toys away, no want food, no everything. But then she started throwing a “yes” in now and then, and I realized that she did, indeed, know what it meant. This past week she has started saying “Sure!” about everything. I ask her to do something, and she says, “Sure, I can do that!”

“J, can you put your toys away?”
“Sure, I can put my toys away!!”

“J, will you carry the Boppy to the car for Mommy?”
“Sure, I can carry the Boppy!!”

Nate came over the other day and asked her if he could have a hug. “Sure, Uncle Nate!” she exclaimed, much to his delight.

It’s so refreshing to hear something positive coming out of her mouth instead of negative things.

As I think about it, it makes me want to make an effort to do the same thing. i want to be positive and not negative. I want to have a “positive confession,” as my mom would put it. The Bible says to be joyful always, and I want that to be a part of my life. :)

1 Comment Posted in Faith
July 26, 2009

Unexpected Blessings

Sometimes God gives us unexpected blessings. This has been happening to us recently, and I’m trying to remember to thank Him as much as I can. It’s easy to forget His blessings when not-so-good times come along.

Before I get into that, though, here is a sweet picture of my happy four-month-old baby girl. I love her so much. Her hair is getting so long! I really need to do a post about how she’s doing these days. She’s so much fun. :)

J was sick a couple of weeks ago with some nasty poop and a high fever (it was up at 104 for a while). I talked to the nurse at our doctor’s office just so I knew what to expect, and she said that a bug was going around that was lasting 7-10 days. Eek! That seemed like a long time, especially since we were supposed to go camping within that time. Pastor Seth had preached a great message in church about faith, and I decided that I was just going to TRUST that God knew what was going on. I can trust Him, I told myself. Tom and I sat down and prayed that J would be well so we could go camping, and the next day, she was absolutely fine. No problems, no nothing.

So we went camping and it was great! The weather was supposed to be lousy, but on our way there, Tom and I prayed again that God would bless us and keep the rain away. And there was only a tiny amount of rain – while we were sleeping the first night! We felt so blessed and appreciated the weekend so much more because we had expected it to rain.

The third unexpected blessing recently has been a long time in coming…months ago, we made plans to go see a play. We got a good deal on tickets so we bought them with the expectation that we’d have JJ drinking breastmilk from a bottle by now. She did it a few times and then wouldn’t after that, so we figured it wasn’t meant to be and that we just wouldn’t go see the play. We tried to give the tickets away but it didn’t work out. This past week I decided to try the bottle again, and all of a sudden, she was just drinking like a pro. I don’t know why, because nothing changed, but I think that it is just God giving us another unexpected blessing.

Because He is good, and He cares about the little things. :)

No Comments Posted in Faith
June 23, 2009

Who will know?

It’s easy to do whatever you want when no one is watching.

I’m alone with my girls most days, and if I speak too sharply to J or try to make her do something just because I want her to, no one will know.

Except today. My mother and father-in-law were at my house doing some work on the deck, and I noticed Dad watching as I spoke to J about why we don’t throw food on the floor. I was just talking to her, but suddenly I was accountable. Someone could see whether I was frustrated or not.

I felt like wherever I went, there he was, watching.

It bothered me at first – did he disapprove of me? was I doing things wrong? what was he thinking? – but as time went on, I realized that I need to make sure that I am the same person if there is someone watching or if there is no one.

God is always watching the way I live my life, whether I want Him to see or not. The God I serve is not mean or looking to “get me in trouble,” but He can always see me.

Perhaps if I truly realized that, I wuld work harder to be above reproach. Be more consistent, not get angry, not be manipulative or deceptive when I think no one will know.

Who are you when no one is looking?

No Comments Posted in Faith